accused of stealing

In which Our Protagonist Finds Himself in Cambridge

2008-09-08T23:49:00.004+02:00

So, the move went well; the only thing being that the flat is teeny, certainly compared to the vastness of the Melbourne Pl. pad, and the office too. This is now my office...

Where will all the books go?

Plus, Cambridge has lots of men who look slightly scabby, have mangy dogs and who always carry a ubiquitous can of Special Brew (I'm reminded of a diagrammatic exercise I once did with a lower Sixth group based upon William Carlos Williams' "Just to Let you Know" and Tom Leonard's "Just tae let ye know"). Yuk!

Best answer to the "who might you see with this item (special brew)?" question:

a man on the street

with a dog

on a piece of string.

In which our hero suffers from a distinct paucity of boxes.

2008-08-28T20:57:00.005+02:00

I have a whole new kind of procrastination. It's called: not moving out. Or, more precisely, not packing up the desk that I've been inhabiting for the past four years.

Yes! It's time for me to move on from my corner of the Postgraduate room; now that I'm a "Doctor", apparently I'm not welcome to live with the little people. And I have to move to Cambridge – yes, I am leaving St Andrews for Cambridge (again), and yes, this is causing a slight case of the jibblies. And no: I don't have a job there (not for lack of trying, though). Anyway. Packing is teh suxxors. Booooooooooooo!

Note: this next picture was taken after I had taken all my books back to the library. I am slightly worried that I've turned into the mad old man who has a house full of books on obscure subjects which are covered in post-it notes and pencil-written marginalia.

I hate packing. And the house is still to go...

Beware!

2008-08-21T23:07:00.002+02:00

Just beware of them, alright.

Viva update

2008-08-21T14:03:00.001+02:00

Oh – and I passed the viva; minor corrections. It's currently being bound, and will be deposited with the library next week.

Huzzah!

A nice picture

2008-08-21T13:49:00.001+02:00

Sorry, just playing with the blogging options in Picasa, which are, I suppose, one way of getting round the rubbishness of Word's inability to play with pictures. Gah!

Petrification

2008-08-01T15:08:00.001+02:00

My viva is in less than a week. This is scary. Eek!

Rubbish

2008-08-01T01:19:00.004+02:00

Okay. This is a lame post. But still.

I have started using office 2007. It's very nice. Good to use. I love Onenote, that's great.

And I was semi-thrilled to see that there was blogging from Word. "This", I thought, "might make me actually start blogging again. How convenient!"

And then, as with everything Microsoft... the flaw. No pictures can be uploaded if you use blogger. Maybe this is MS' fault, maybe its Blogger's. But how idiotic. It's meant to be easy! And you can't even get it to play with Flickr!

I can just post with this then add a picture manually with the URL to an uploaded pic on flickr or do it in blogger itself... but if I wanted to faff about with web interfaces I'd bleeding well use those, not use Word, hop over to flickr, then back to word or blogger... IT'S MEANT TO BE CONVENIENT! Ha!

Also: Word 2007 has bibliographic functions. For an academic that's pretty handy; I've been using Endnote for years, and while my version (barely) works with Office 2k7, I also thought "aha!" (yes, I actually think like this) "I shall transfer my bibliography to Word 2007 and never pay adept science £115 again!" But no. First: it doesn't like to read Endnote files. So I find a way to translate them. Second: you can't edit output styles (funnily enough NOT everyone uses APA or Chicago styles. Not to mention, some fool at Microsoft thinks that APA and Harvard styles are the same. They're not. Plus, in Classics, there are a myriad of slight variations you might have to use. Being able to edit output styles is an absolute must: believe me, a journal editor will not accept "but Word only lets me choose these six styles" as an excuse). Third: for some reason, the same idiot at Microsoft thinks that a footnote should be presented the same way as an embedded citation. This is so dumb that... well, it's pretty dumb. Apparently they had an academic helping them; must have been an academic from the Department of Idiocy at Idiot State. Either that, or they're working for Microsoft because they couldn't get tenure anywhere because they're a bloody moron.

Okay. This is a ridiculous amount of anger about 1) blogging pictures which I hardly ever do, and have options to get around, and 2) something I already have software to deal with. My problem is that these are such potentially useful additions to word that I can't believe they've implemented them in such a half-assed way; it's like when you spot your Christmas present, it's shaped like an xbox, it's as heavy as an xbox, and then you find out its a wii. Such disappointment.

This post was brought to you by Word 2007. This is why there are no pictures. Suck it up, as Michelle Malkin likes to say.

300 pages, 1500 footnotes

2008-05-16T17:23:00.002+02:00

The thesis is finished - actually, two weeks ago.

I have been resting my brainz.

Out now!

2008-04-02T14:53:00.004+02:00

(photo: Hannah Swithinbank, design: J. McIntyre; poses: poseurs)

The Final Odyssey

2008-03-19T00:09:00.002+01:00

According to the BBC (and the Grauniad), Arthur C. Clarke is dead.

:(

Time for a joke!

2007-11-15T21:36:00.000+01:00

How many types of people are there in the world?

10.

Those who can read binary, and those who can't.

boom boom!

Aw!

2007-11-14T21:48:00.000+01:00

No-one Wants to Play Sega with Harrison Ford (click to enlarge)
Brandon Bird
oil on canvas 36" x 12" 2006

Brandon Bird's website, where you can buy a poster or a print of this and many others.

lolz

2007-11-14T15:44:00.001+01:00

And yes...

2007-11-14T14:01:00.000+01:00

I am supposed to be writing just now. I procrastinate by reading nutjobs ranting on the intertubes.

Don't tell my supervisor.

Shhh!

The End of History and the Last Man

2007-11-14T13:50:00.000+01:00

So, even though I'm only a quasi-historian that's mainly interested in aesthetics and other literary type - doobies (although you can pull me up as a new historicist in literary things, I guess), even I know one thing: Francis Fukuyama's claim about the "end of history" following the fall of the Soviet Union was wrong. Global capitalism is not, necessarily, the final mode of human civilisation and culture (oh, hai gusy! btw yu do kno that tihs a totly marxist kidna tihng, k? i mean, wtf? historical motivation kitteh is not impressed wit yur offring). And hey! Even Fukuyama himself has recanted, to a certain extent.

Anyway. Why do I say this? Because one of the comments on Michellemalkin.com goes as follows:

"Blood and iron builds enduring nations someone once said. For all the talk of the Leftists, this trend is still in motion. History has not “ended” as they like to believe and preach."

Wtf? dude, it's the neocons who tried to claim that history had ended! Although Fukuyama claims he's not a neocon anymore, the whole concept of the "end of history" was predicated around the end of the soviet union and the triumph of the west!

Hop on over to Malkin's website - it's a lot of fun (oh yeah, they're discussing "the war on Thanksgiving". w00t!)

UPDATE!

"Michelle, could you look into this?
Maybe alert Bill o’Reilly?"

I can see it now! "PLACE BILL O'REILLY ON ALERT! LAUNCH IN 5...4...3...2...1... we have MORAL OUTRAGE AND MANUFACTURED CONTROVERSY!"

UPDATE 2!! (with extra bold for Swiv)

"9.) When the rest of the world got out of control and the forces of hatred threatened to reign supreme, we stepped up to lead the Allies to Victory over the forces of genocide.

10.) While Nazi Germany fell because it could not fight a World War on two fronts, we not only helped defeat the Axis Powers, but we also defeated the Imperial aggression of Japan BY OURSELVES, proving that we could do what Hitler’s “perfect race” could not: win a war on two fronts."

9) Arriving 2 YEARS LATE FOR WW2 is "stepping up"??
10) Yeah, 'cos NO BRITISH OR COMMONWEALTH TROOPS FOUGHT IN the Pacific theatre, did they?

I have to stop. This thread just keeps on givin' and I have work to do.

UPDATE 3:
(oh God)

"12.) We taught the world during the Cold War that you CAN win a war by showing restraint and not actually having a war."

Hang on. You can win a War (it's even in its name: "Cold war") by not... having a war? So what is it? A war? Not a war? Mai hed hurtz.

Disestablish! Disestablish!

2007-11-05T16:36:00.000+01:00

Okay. So first up, an apology. Obviously, I sometimes link to nutjobby type stuff 'cos it's funny (see below on Bill O'Reilly's book, for example). But, normally, I keep the best of the nutjobby - the awesome, the hilarious, michellemalkin.com for myself. I don't want to share.

But I can't help myself.

Context: Che Guevara icons. I've never really understood the whole Guevara thing, it always seemed a little close to hero-worship for me, and I'm always dubious about the whole freedom fighter/terrorist thing, no matter what Bobbie Gillespie says; and, to be honest, Che is too much of a cliche. Plus, when you're from the remote isles of Scotland, Che never really appeared on the scope.

But, in the comments lurks a gem:

I frequently see the addle-brained twit college student or twenty/thirty-something noob stretching themselves to be relevant here in Boulder. Whether donning a Che tee-shirt or carrying a book bag with an oppressor-nation’s flag symbol on it, I want to smack them in the head and say WAKE-UP! Of course, they’re too busy being cool and reveling in their antidisestablishmentarianism to understand truly what they’re doing.

Haw haw! as I say in my other life as a villain in a Jack Chick tract. If there's one thing that I love, it's when I see "addle-brained twits" who are unable to use the word antidisestablishmentarianism correctly. Why? Because 1) only "addle-brained twits" ever the word antidisestablishmentarianism in ordinary discourse, and 2) it's surely to God the first word that you before you use it! I mean, it's something that most people will look up - no-one is born knowing what antidisestablishmentarianism means, are they?

Here's what the OED says:

ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM

[f. ANTI-¹ + DISESTABLISHMENTARIAN + -ISM.]

Properly, opposition to the disestablishment of the Church of England (rare): but popularly cited as an example of a long word. So antidisestablishmentarian.

1900 N. & Q. 25 Aug. 147/1 In the recent biography of Dr. Benson is an entry from the Archbishop's diary to the effect that ‘the Free Kirk of the North of Scotland are strong antidisestablishmentarians’. 1923 in Brewer's Dict. Phr. & Fable (new ed.) s.v. Long words. 1960 Amrita Bazar Patrika 17 June 6/4 But then ‘Antidisestablishmentarianism’ contains three more letters, as pointed out by two readers. 1984 T. AUGARDE Oxf. Guide Word Games xxvi. 216 The longest words that most people know are antidisestablishmentarianism..and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

So there are two common usages: one, basically means that you are opposed to any attempt being made to stop the Church of England being the established church of... er, England; the other is when it is used by "addle-brained idiots" who want to show off their impressive vocabulary.

I tried checking it on Merriam-Webster in case there was a special American meaning of the word, but it told me it didn't even know it! For shame, Merriam-Webster.

Bill O'Reilly writes books for children. Oh dear.

2007-10-15T18:32:00.000+02:00

See, your rights here in America were created by a wide range of people (except, owing to the times, they were all male and white).

Beyond parody.

Read the whole first chapter! Weep for anyone who reads it!

Even Firefox suffers from existential angst

2007-10-11T15:10:00.000+02:00

Hello? Anyone still reading?

2007-10-08T10:57:00.000+02:00

Exodus 20

1. Then Ceiling Cat spoked all them werds:

2. I iz suprior man, and I broughted u out of hawt lend wit no cheezbrgrs for hard werk at all

3. U gotz other Ceiling Cat, I mek u ded.

4. If u try be Ceiling Cat of any of mai creayshunz up in floaty skai, down in erth or in watr or I mek u ded.

5. If u think faek Ceiling Cat iz Ceiling Cat, I mek u ded and ur children ded and ur children-children ded, for being stupid.

6. If not I wuv u and all ur childrenz-childrenz-childrenz!

7. U sez Inivsible Man bad, I mek u ded, for I dun liek it. Srsly.

8. Remembur caturday and keep holy.

9. U werk sicks dais and finish werk, kapish?

10. Dai sevn, u no werk. U and all ur peepz go wrship me.

11. I maded heavenz and erth and see and the stuff that does teh funney hoppey stuffz in and on it - so I make it holy cuz I no werk.

12. Bez u good to papa and mama so u has long lief.

13. U no mek peepz ded!

14. U no mek sexxes wit other gurlz or menz than ur wief (so no awsum treesum alowed!).

15. U no tek stuffs for free if not getz for free.

16. U no tell bad stuff about ur neibor.

17. U no wantz neibor stuff! No wief, no gurlz, no menz, no animulz, no no no! Bad.

18. When peepz see mai great orkestr wit thundr and all cool speshul effects thei wur scardy wimps

19. Thei sed to Moses 'U goez speek to uz and we will listen; but Ceiling Cat speek will mek uz ded!'

20. Moses lolled a great bit, and a bit moar, for thei wur such wimps, and sed 'Ceiling Cat no mek u ded; he just wantz to haef vun wit u gais and maek u scaredy cats so u obei him.'

21. But peepz wur still wimps and let Moses go ther to Ceiling Cat.

22. Ceiling Cat sez "Tellz them wimpies: 'U see I spoked to u from heavenz.

23. U no mek me of silvar or goldz.

24. U mek me altar of erth and gif me pwnz0rzed animulz ther and I gif u blessing.

25. But u no maek me altar of bjutiful stonez, for I no liek.

26. And u no use steps on altar or I can see ur penises. I no liek.'"

The LOLCat bible; Exodus 20

Echo!!

2007-07-02T14:13:00.000+02:00

Echo!!
Echo!
Echo
echo
echo
echo

And tomorrow...

2007-04-11T21:06:00.000+02:00

I'm off to the CA to give a paper on what I've been up to for the last two and a half years. I hope no-one from the AHRC is there, they'll likely be grievously disappointed.

So I shall be presenting a paper entitled "Scorched Earth: Refiguring the landscape in Lucan and Statius". For those of you in the Classics department, yes, it is a version of the paper I gave in February, but cut from 50 minutes to 20. No, it doesn't have fewer meaninglessly long words like "problematised". Those are my only hope, as I try to blind my audience with jargon.

Other minor issue: I'm in the "slot of death" (thanks, Joe), which means I'm on 2nd last, in the last panel, on the last day. And the panel is made up of papers which bear no relation to mine ("Authors and Emperors", indeed). My only hope is that a) no-one will be in the audience, and b) no-one will know anything about Lucan, Statius, landscape, or, hopefully, Phaethon.

Fingers crossed!

Hahahhhaaaaa!

2007-03-27T19:30:00.000+02:00

Good news! The Medea stuff worked after all.

Huzzah! &c, &c.

It's vacation time now. No-one around. No papers to mark. Just a conference to look after at the weekend (apparently I'm now the School of Classics' "director of events". Can I have a budget, please?)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

2007-03-20T23:17:00.000+01:00

Okay. So months ago (before Christmas to be exact) I had this great idea for my thesis: Valerius Flaccus and locus horridus landscapes. I'd just come off the back of some great stuff in Lucan, and a cursory glance the VF suggested that there was some good stuff there too. And - for once - there was a crown for my glory: Medea and the grove of the Golden Fleece, which would cap the other material I was writing and nicely bookend the chapter with the witch Alcimede (Jason's mom) and Medea - prepsychobitchfromhell, natch.

Anyway. So I get through 3/4 of the work, and feel quite good about it -until I get to Medea. Which doesn't fit after all. So it's back to the beginning again for a thorough re-jigging.

Damn thing's due in on Thursday.

Bugger.

You don't like Baltarstar?

2007-02-19T15:47:00.000+01:00

I think they'll love it.

BSG Gaius Baltar (James Callis) Blooper
Uploaded by funkafied

Real people vs. Idiots

2007-02-09T15:40:00.000+01:00

Today I tried to renew my student overdraft. I don't really use it that often, but it's nice to have for those "end of the month" moments.

So, I thought, I shall phone the bank's phone banking service; it will save me a tramp.

Oh, fool me. A tramp I should have undertaken, for it would have saved me much anguish and time.

First: I am bad at remembering security details. Cue 10 mins of resetting my security numbers.

Then, I get through to a person. Aha! Sense.

Or not. "I have to check with a manager about your overdraft".

"oh, okay".

Hold music... hurrah. Not Greensleeves. This is Good.

Then: TONETONETONETONE.

This is new. Much better than "hold muzak".

Oops. No, they just hung up on me.

Right. Dial again. REMEMBER NEW SECURITY CODE! YES! HURRAH!

"Hello. I was just in the process of renewing my Student account overdraft, when I got dropped by the phone. Can you help me?"

"No. You've been declined. You're not allowed an overdraft".

"But I have a student account. That's part of the deal"

"Sorry. You've been declined by a manager. I am just a paid monkey. You'll get no help from me, and there's no point asking anyone else because we all have the same information - which is to decline you"

"Well, can I speak to a manager?"

"They'll tell you exactly the same thing. We all hate you"

.... and so on ad infinitum.

So. I phone my local branch. Who are lovely, and tell me that anyone in a branch will help me, so I can go to the local one. When I do this, it takes 2 minutes, my overdraft is renewed, and I'm being told that the phoneline people are morons.

Why is this? I mean, each of these people had the same information available to them. Yet the people on the phone just refused to accept that I was entitled to something that I had signed up for in their own terms and conditions.

I guess the moral of the story is that trying to avoid a walk ends up costing you more time. Or something.

Grrr.